


Power Struggle

by merlins_sister



Series: Beckett/Ryan AU [5]
Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 16:30:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/420960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The push and pull of their relationship starts to send Kate and Kevin over the edge. AU The Mistress Always Spanks Twice, Sequel to Brought to Their Senses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Power Struggle

Realising she was in love with one of her closest friends had, so far, not proved as difficult as Kate Beckett had thought it might be. Perhaps because she had been in love for so long, that the conscious acceptance of it didn’t seem to make it any bigger than it needed to be. The attempt to move on by going out on a date with the fire fighter had probably been a bad call though; her logic of not wanting Castle and not being able to have Kevin had been sound, but she wasn’t there yet. 

Of course it helped that Kevin continued to be the same devoted, easy going friend he’d always been. Their experiences together around the Coonan case had deepened their bond undoubtedly, and if he seemed even more attentive at times she assumed it was because of that. After all, he was still with Jenny so if anything had changed for him beyond that he would have said something, wouldn’t he?

The only thing that confused her was the flirting. It was almost as if the deepening friendship gave them permission to let out the other side of their relationship, soft banter giving expression to truths they could no longer act on. She didn’t know how conscious it was for Kevin, but she had to try very hard to not to say something overtly flirtatious, especially in front of other people, words almost slipping from her lips before she realised what was happening. But sometimes she deliberately said things, knew she was saying them, wanted the response to reassure her that all that once was hadn’t been forgotten. It could have only been that need that prompted her to start the conversation about their current case, and their partners, knowing without being told exactly how Kevin would have coped.

“Has Esposito recovered from his trip with you to the dungeon?” she asked Kevin as he poured himself a coffee from the pot in the break room.

He grinned in reply. “I think confused is the best description for my partner at the moment. He can’t work out how the women managed to unsettle him so quickly.” He took a sip of coffee before asking, “What about Castle?”

Kate matched his grin. “I think it will be a while before I’m forgiven for putting him in that situation. The mighty Richard Castle being dominated...heaven forbid.”

Kevin joined her in her entertainment at the situation, before a companionable silence fell over their coffee drinking. Kate glanced at Kevin before asking as calmly as she could, “I presume *you* were okay over there?”

She didn’t look at him, but she could feel his gaze on her as she continued to sip coffee. After a few moments she could feel her heart start to pound slightly at his lack of response, uncertain whether that was due to a fear she had upset him or an anticipation of his response. When he stepped to face her, invading her space in a way that she hadn’t planned on she knew it had been anticipation.

“Of course I was fine,” he replied, his voice dropping slightly lower than normal, its tone triggering memories in her body as he continued, “You and I both know that you can’t dominate someone unless they really want you to.” He paused, his voice hitting a level that was all consuming of her attention. “Don’t we, Catherine?”

She lifted her eyes to his, dark blue meeting hers, and suddenly her skin felt like it was on fire. Memories of a time in his apartment that had left them both tangled in his sheets, sweaty, unable to speak or move, screamed at her in her mind. Her breath caught in her throat, her eyes unable to leave his, her body aching in its need to take possession of him. Which, considering what they were remembering, had a certain irony.

Most people, if they knew about their arrangement, would assume she would be in charge of their sexual relationship. They would be wrong. Most of the time it had been an equal balance of power, both of them wanting to give the other everything that they had needed. But every now and again Kevin would decide to take charge and somehow managed to make her body respond at his command. She had never worked out exactly how he did it, though his ability to use his voice in the way he was hinting at now definitely helped. And of course, this being Kevin, it was intoxicatingly done with her pleasure in mind; Kate was pretty sure the first time Kevin tried the approach it was to see how many times he could make her come (for the record it was 6 times the first, that time in the apartment she truly had no idea). 

His eyes dropped to her lips, and for a moment Kate had a terrible fear that she had pushed too far with her question. She knew when he wanted to kiss her, always had. She was provoking him now, pushing him when she should be letting him be just her friend. What the hell was wrong with her?

His lips parted slightly, and she wasn’t certain whether it was to say something or as a precursor to a kiss. She gripped the counter with her free hand, uncertain what she would do with either option but certain that the only thing she could do was not to make the decision for him; the ease with which she could lean forward and kiss him scared her beyond belief and the desperate need to do so was barely under control.

His eyes returned to hers and she suddenly realised he was trying to read what was going on. Which meant he knew he wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t know if she wanted him to. It should be a realisation that had her singing. It was another door for her, she could say what she wanted, could say what she was feeling. A few words could be all it took.

But she didn’t. She kept her lips closed, not risking words, not wanting to say anything for one reason only.

He was with Jenny, and she knew she couldn’t get passed that.

Rule number one. She felt cowardly for hiding behind it, but it was true. She didn’t want to be with him when he was with another, never mind the moral considerations that had provoked that rule at the beginning. She wanted him to be hers, completely and utterly hers. She had gone beyond sharing, gone beyond their arrangement. She wanted his devotion, his hard work focussed on her. And she wanted it given freely because he was ready to. She wouldn’t...couldn’t ask him to choose.

All of a sudden Kevin pulled back, flashing an attempt at a teasing grin, a sip of coffee following, as if it was completely normal for old friends to play on old feelings in the way they just had. It didn’t hide the sadness in his eyes though, and Kate felt guilt rush through her at the sight. She had tempted him through her words, played with feelings that should be left for him to deal with when he was ready. If for her own reasons she couldn’t be honest with him about her feelings, then she shouldn’t be playing with his. She made her own attempt at a smile but neither of them said anything as he turned to leave the break room, his normal bouncy stride subdued to Kate’s eyes. And once again she asked herself what the hell she was doing?

**

Kevin glanced at the clock, his inability to sleep forcing the desire to check out how long he had been locked into the circle of his thoughts.

2am.

He sighed. Glancing the other way he saw Jenny fast asleep, arm curled underneath a pillow, her face relaxed and peaceful. She had been so excited to finally meet the team at the precinct, had seen it as a significant step in their relationship, of being accepted in his life. Castle and Esposito had responded exactly as he thought they would, masculine approval of his choice. Kate... well, Kate had been shaken at finally meeting Jenny. She covered it well, and it was probably only because he knew her, and because of what had nearly passed that afternoon in the break room that he was sensitive to it.

She had felt guilty.

He had found some comfort in that, knowing that she was struggling in her own way with their situation because he felt increasingly alone, unable to talk to anyone about being in love with one woman, and yet choosing another. 

If only Kate would give him some sort of definite sign, a sign that she had faith in what they had, could have, maybe he could find the courage to follow her. But she didn’t. She skirted her own confused way around their situation, never giving him enough to know she was ready. She had said once that she was too damaged to have the relationship they wanted, said she didn’t know if she could. Perhaps he should respect that self knowledge and make himself move on?

But he didn’t seem able to. He found himself increasingly drawn to her, wanting her. This afternoon, break room or no break room, if Kate had given him the right signal, he didn’t think he could have stopped himself from kissing her and probably going anywhere with her. He missed making love to her, missed watching the beautiful sight that was Kate Beckett at the peak of sexual ecstasy, missed knowing that he was affecting her like no other man seemed able to.

He knew that this was all starting to affect his relationship with Jenny, the fine balancing act he had started slowly getting out of his control. She was understanding of his commitment to Kate, as his team leader and friend, especially as he played a little on the public perception of Kate’s relationship with Castle to boost her confidence in it. But the hidden cost...how many times had he blamed exhaustion for not making love to Jenny recently? He could kiss her, hold her, but anything more felt dangerously close to a betrayal of her, fearing he would only be thinking of another. 

Perhaps if he had never met Kate when he had, if they had only met in homicide where they would have just been colleagues and friends, maybe then he and Jenny would have been as good as he thought they could be. He wanted so much to be in love with Jenny, she was perfect for him in so many ways. But if he and Kate had met too early to be ready for each other, then he and Jenny had met too late, the last few weeks telling him that he truly had fallen for Kate all those years ago and nothing was going to change that. It was time he manned up and dealt with the situation. Because if he carried on as he was then everyone was going to get hurt. And who could call him a good man then?


End file.
